yoshimeat.

i cannot wait until you move back to woburn. things will work out so much better then. i miss you after two days, not the you i saw, but the you you were a week ago. go back to that, please. things could be so much better then.

i am sitting in a room alone when there is a house full of people. one visitor only to tell me that i don't make sense somehow. that doesn't make sense to me. i come here to feel more occupied and less alone but now this place is no longer a refuge from reality. i don't know what i want anymore, my mind is all screwed up. i feel like crying but i simply do not have the energy to do so. maybe it's not sadness that i feel so much as being void of emotion. i don't like this.

I had one of the saddest dreams i can remember last nite. this is strange because i rarely remember what i dreamed about when i wake up. i was at my old house in lancaster standing on the steps outside and saw one of my cats that ran away. i called for the cat and it initially ignored me, but then as i kept calling its name it  came over to me. it jumped up onto the railing and then it turned into my brother aaron and i began to cry. i just held him and knew that my parents had sent him away to live with another family and felt like i hadn't seen him in a long time.  i brought him over to my other brother matthew and matthew and i hugged aaron and cried together. i am even beginning to cry now that i type this. i brought aaron over to my step-dad who was cutting down weeds in the driveway and my step-dad did not seem to care too much that aaron was there and just said "hi" to him. i carried aaron inside to my mom and my mom started to cry, and then the dream ended. i must have woken up at this point and when i did i realized that my eyes were watering. what could all of that mean?

i really need to think before i do things. i open my mouth before i even think about the consequences of what i'm about to do. i really didn't want to leave, but i needed you to know that i'm not willing to put up with your public displays of anger or the following discussion you'll put on me. i am not in a place where i can deal with the negativity. as soon as you got into my car i knew that you weren't in a good mood and that something bad would happen because of it. why did i leave? why did i just want you to tell me to stay just one more time? why couldn't i have just sucked it up and dealt with it?
i feel so ridiculously stupid. i feel like i ruined something i didn't even really have. i told myself i'd take it slow but i subconsiously allowed myself to jump back in with two feet. i cannot act like that and push you away. i need to grab back on to the passive way of thinking i've developed and make everything okay. i won't see you until four thirty on monday and until then i know that i will just be thinking about how bad i fucked up.

i know that i want to be with you and it scares me. knowing what you want and being ready for that reality are two completely different things. i am knowing but i am not ready.

fate seems to work faster than time, either that or it has just caught up with me quicker than time could.
i guess that once you finally let go of everything, one thing comes back that you would love to hold on to for just a little bit longer. we'll see how it goes...maybe i wasn't wrong.

it's almost a month after my last post and i was right- there was nothing left to disintegrate. joe and i did break up and even though i could feel it coming, it hit me really hard. i now know that it was not my fault and that his unhappiness was his own doing. if i did everything he asked and he still wasn't happy, the situation was not in my control. as much as i cared about him, blaming myself for the situation did nothing but bring me down. i am a good girl with a good heart and i know that i deserve much better. i do still care about him, i do still miss him, but what's meant to happen will happen. if we are to be friends after some time has passed, i will welcome that. i am done holding grudges, i am ready to be free of all the negativity i have come into in the past few years. i am finally ready to forgive myself for what i have done both to myself and others.
it is so silly to me that this is all coming right as a new year is about to come. maybe this is what new years resolutions are for? this is so uncharacteristic of me to say, but i hope that i spend most of 2009 on my own. emmy was right when she said that i need time to explore things on my own and find security and happiness within myself. completely contradictory to that, i still have a hope that i will find someone that will give back what i put in. i want a relationship that i cannot see ending at any point, not that i'm looking to get married, but i am sick of dating guys for a few months and being shocked when it ends. i haven't found a person like that since matt, well, no, that's a lie, i THOUGHT that i found a person like that, but it did end. who knows- maybe we both need to grow as individuals and find happiness before it is right. i rarely get a strong feeling like that and end up wrong. this is where time and fate come in, and i am beginning to believe in both.

i believe that there is nothing left to disintegrate. i am going to sound mildly immature when i divulge my source, but i think my argument is accurate. i got home from class today and saw that joe posted a bulletin on myspace, so i went to his page. his status now says "single", after two weeks of still being "in a relationship" since the break we decided to take. his who i'd like to meet also says "someone that can bring back my youth," but i am still in his top friends? for the past few days he hasn't put any effort into talking to me or making plans, the only times we talk are when i initiate conversation and he only talks in short sentences. i believe this is the end of yet another relationship that i put everything i could into and received little in return. i am waiting for him to respond to my question "i'm judging by your myspace overhaul that you aren't interested in being with me anymore?" because i know that he's at work and that he'll only be able to respond when he's on break.
why would he change his status to single if he wasn't trying to attract something new? apparently i am not what he wants anymore, and all i want is to be with him.

about two weeks ago joe decided that we had to "take a break" in our relationship because things had been up and down. yes, things were a little wobbly, mostly because i was being overworked between school and work and driving all over the place, but i don't think it warranted a "break." i'm more concerned that his decision was based off of his best friend's relationship falling apart, mostly because his decision came on the same night.
during the intense conversation surrounding this decision, joe elaborated by saying that he "only wants to be in a relationship if he can see himself marrying the person." OKAY- I AM ONLY 19 YEARS OLD, THIS FREAKS ME OUT. does this mean that when he finally decided to make things official he could picture himself MARRYING ME?! what the hell is that about? he's only 23 for god sakes, no need to be that serious quite yet.
i also found out today that joe has been telling people that we're on a break. i think that the only reason why someone would ever mention something like that to another guy is to justify some bad decisions. i'm worried that he's worming around with other girls trying to see if i am his best option. there is no other feasible reason in my mind why he would tell that to another guy when it's none of their business. it bothers me. it bothers me so much that i IMed joe about it already when i know that he's working and that he won't be able to respond until he goes on break. i don't want to look like a fool everytime i walk into the apartment with the other guys silently laughing at me knowing that i'm getting played.
i hate this, i had so much hope for everything and it's slowly desintegrating.

you're starting to become like every other guy i've dated and hated. we had both hoped that the long period of time that we spent together before making things official would make a situation like this next to impossible, yet less than a month and a half into the official agreement you're already questioning everything. i stupidly assumed that your lack of respect for me was due to our lax relationship, but now after having become your girlfriend, i haven't seen much progress. you are a person that can never see the flaws within yourself. you can never be wrong. you have not done the one thing that i need most- respect me.
now i am at the point where what i need most is to rest, but what i want most is to discuss things with you. we almost forty minutes past the point when you said you would return my call. is this because you are out with your friends? can you not take thirty minutes out of your day to discuss this with me? i mean, you haven't talked to me for the past three days, which to me, is punishment enough, especially since when i last saw you i got the impression that we were on good terms.
i cannot believe that this is all because you weren't considerate enough to let me return to your apartment because i was freezing outside after standing there for two hours. this is absolutely ridiculous.